i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
