They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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