I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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