I wish I could punch you in the face.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
