I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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