Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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