note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
