Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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