You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
