i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i came on her dog
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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