Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
