You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
