you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
