Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want nice things and good sex
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
