matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
