omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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