My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
