You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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