Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
