Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
