i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
