Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
