3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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