My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My ass is underappreciated
I supernannyed him into submission
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
