How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
