I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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