so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
