I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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