it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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