I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
