Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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