he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
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