Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
