I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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