Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
