I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
