I want to walk on stilts...naked
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
