The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
