I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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