I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This baby is an asshole
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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