What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
