Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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