A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
