I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
