Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
