God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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