My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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