I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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