dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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