Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
